Why I feel the need to question human intelligence...

So, I had this e-mailed to me...normally I don't open forwards that often, but I've seen this before and thought it would be a good topic of "discussion". It really makes me question WHY the makers of the following products felt the need to add these specific warnings to their products...are people actually this stupid?? I think we know the answer...

Anyways...I thought I'd share my opinion on the topic. See my reactions in YELLOW letters. Oh, and don't take my cruelty too seriously...I'm not that mean...just witty! haha

And here it begins:

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. Ya, because that's my initial thought...a violently rotating column of air is coming my way!! I must protect myself with a strong sturdy object...how about this blanket?? Honestly people...get a brain...and once you have one, find a staircase in the basement to hide under...or just let the principle of "Survival of the Fittest" work its magic...obviously if you're stupid enough to think a blanket will help you in a natural disaster, the world would get by just fine without you.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. You don't say!! They're not actually inside of the mirror?? How have I made it this far in life without knowing that mirrors are REFLECTIVE surfaces?? Note to self: review physics notes...or review how people are stupid enough to actually need a reminder of the technicalities behind mirrors. Isn't it common sense, or do we need to implement more life skills practice into schools these days???

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. OK, so this doesn't make me question the intelligence of the users of the product...it makes me question the intelligence of its manufacturer. GRAMMAR POLICE CALLED!! YOU SUCK! Here...let me fix it..."If your hair is severlely damaged, use this product repeatedly". I wonder if their stupidity was actually based on their frugality...I mean, if they had to pay per letter, then a grammatically correct version may have cost far too much...or maybe they just weren't cut out for the business world...I'll leave that decision up to you.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. What? You don't want flavoured milk drink all over your pants, and shoes, and the floor?? Hmmm...I wouldn't know why...I mean, I always like to cover myself in flavoured milk beverage. Mmmm flavoured milk beverage!! I wonder which flavour of flavoured milk beverage I'll spill on myself next?? Here's an idea...if people are stupid enough not to know how to drink flavoured milk beverage out of a bottle, maybe the company should also give out complimentary mops too...and laundry detergent.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. I'm actually pretty OK with this one...I mean, I don't particularily like insects...I am more likely to consider them "vermin" than I would be to consider them "animals". Therefore, even if they had tested the product on insects (which would seem to make sense since it should kill said insects), I wouldn't consider this statement to be false. Now, if they had said THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON VERMIN, I would have to question the validity of the product.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) MEMO: Next time, place this statement on the exterior of the box. Either that, or if there is any question about the intelligence of the person buying this computer, make sure they hire someone to set up the computer for them...and make sure you tell tan that the setting up process is an extremely difficult one, and charge them a hefty fee...chances are they'll be gullible enough to believe you.

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. EWWWW....TOO MUCH INFORMATION...THE VISUAL....BURNING EYES....MAKE IT STOP!!!....

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. Apparently, in some countries, people are stupid enough not to know how to open a bottle of pop. Perhaps in these countries, people should refrain from drinking pop...it's for their own good. I mean, look at it this way...this is stupid person...this is stupid person on caffeine...not a good outlook!

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? In response to this one, I referred to urbandictionary.com where I found a few meanings for the word TOSS. They are as follows:

1. (noun, derog.) A useless or inept man. Used in South Africa and short for tosser or wanker.
2. Throw, usually gently.
3. (in jail, police vehicle) Detain.
4. Search a place roughly with damage.
5. (back) Drink an alchoholic beverage.
6. (down) Lay prone with sexual intentions.
7. Vomit, barf, puke, spew often from excess alcohol.
8. Masturbate, wank, tug
9. (salad) Analinguis, rim, eat ass. Usage more common amongst homosexuals.

I think the only reasonable meaning that the SunMaid company had intended was number 2...to throw, usually gently...at least I would hope!!

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. Damn it...I was really trying to work on my multi-tasking. If I could shower, and dry my hair at the same time as I was sleeping, I could spend more time sleeping and therefore be less cranky on those days that I feel the need to put effort into getting ready. Note to self: Invent a hairdryer that I can use while sleeping. I'll show Sears!!! Muahaha!!

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. Now who was the smart ass who decided on this one. Isn't the rule "you break it you buy it"? Doesn't that mean that if you break the bag open, you'll have to buy it...or steal it?? Way to promote crime people!! Next time think before you stupidly up the local crime rate!! IDIOTS!

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. And that would be how? What if I had never before used soap (which I can assure you I have)?? Would I be left to try and experiment to figure it out myself?? I think they're giving the consumer too much credit on this one. Do you really think that everyone out there is intelligent enough to know how to use soap. I really hope so (for the common good of my sense of smell)!!

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. Too late! You lose! Try printing this on the top next time. That warning is pretty much a waste of ink when it's located on the BOTTOM of the box. When will these people learn??

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. Are you sure? Let's experiment. So what you're saying is that heating an object makes it hot?? NO FREAKING WAY!! I should create a law based on this principle...I'll call it a Law of Thermodynamics. WAIT!! I'm too late!! It ALREADY EXISTS!! IDIOTS!!

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids? Once again, GRAMMAR, people. All you really need to do is add 2 simple words to make this one make a little sense. Take a wild guess...no...not "inards of"...try "reach of"...WARNING: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. They should hire me to proof all of their warning labels.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. As opposed to use in outer space? Are there any other options wise ass??

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. Now I'm curious. What is this "other use" you speak of? Obviously it doesn't have a good outcome if it is frowned upon. But obviously there was at least one person out there to try using the product for this other use, otherwise the manufacturer wouldn't have needed to provide us with this warning.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. Actually, unless the peanuts are tainted with traces of other nuts, such as macadamias, hazelnuts, etc., the can wouldn't actually contain nuts. What, you ask?? Have you been led astray all your life?? I think most people have. Here's an interesting tidbit of information: Peanuts, along with beans and peas, belong to the single plant family, Leguminosae. Legumes are edible seeds enclosed in pods. Therefore, peanuts are not nuts. However, their properties resemble that of nuts, thus making sense of allergies to peanuts and nuts.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. I'm glad they cleared that up. However, they should be careful. Some people (not myself of course), have dirty minds, and interpret this statement in a totally different manner...Mile High Club anyone?? Yeesh!

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning? Did someone actually try this?? Hmmm...I can't get this chainsaw to shut off...maybe I'll try using my penis to stop it. BAD IDEA! Moron!

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy! However, I can respect this warning. Some kids are stupid and have a hard time realizing that a set of tights don't enable you to take flight. It only makes you sleeker and more aerodynamic. It just means that you'll hit the ground sooner.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. Just defrost?? I think they are missing some instructions here. I dunno about you, but usually when I eat a frozen dinner (which isn't very often, mind you) I usually like my food warm. Which usually means I have to go one step beyond just defrosting. Maybe they should update the directions to include "HEAT" the frozen dinner. Take a lesson from Michelina's...they're instructions seem coherent...they haven't led me astray yet.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. But which one?? Sorry...it's late...mind is in the gutter??

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. I admit, I've been tempted. I don't have an ironing board out here, and sometimes it just seems as though it would be easier just to iron the clothes while they're on me....but wait...I'm not stupid...I know that this would result in burns to my body...and thus, I DON'T DO IT!! Hmmm...common sense anyone?

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. Keyword: "Children"...since when do children drive cars or operate heavy machinery?? Not the last time I checked. I guess they have to cover all of their bases so they don't get their asses sued when the coughing, runny nosed 3 year old drives a bulldozer through the front of my house!

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Duh! If it didn't make me drowsy, I would question why anyone would even bother buying this product. It would be a waste of money. Geez people!! Way to market your products!! IDIOTS!!!


Wow...now that I've got that all out, I feel as though I deserve to go to bed and get some rest. I have one more glorious day of reading break to enjoy, and I shall spend the vast majority of it sleeping!!

In other news, my recital was a huge success...I have recordings, so if anyone wants one, the cost is $100.00....actually, if you really want to hear it, I'd be willing to let you listen for free (just let me know)...but only so you can say you heard me BEFORE I was famous, and rich, and living in a mansion in the Uplands....WAIT....that won't happen!! I'm a clarinet player!! haha...It's nice to dream though!!